A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

What would you do if your house were on fire?

Someone once asked Jean Cocteau, "Suppose your house were on fire and you could remove only one thing. What would you take?"

Cocteau considered, then said, "I would take the fire."

Asking the Big One

Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie.
"I'll give you one wish," says the genie.
"I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii."
"Geeez!" said the genie. "I know I said 'anything,' but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I'm afraid you've wished for something that's virtually impossible to do, even for me. Please, wish for something else."
"Okay, how about this. I just want to understand women."
"Two lanes, or four lanes.

Pun Joke Nacho Chips

Christian One Liners

Christian One Liners Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers. It is easier to preach ten sermons... Than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there. People are funny; they want the front of the bus, Middle of the road, And back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever. Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. If a church wants a better preacher, It only needs to pray for the one it has. We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. Some minds are like concrete... Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from? Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God loves everyone, But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!' God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as... great as the Power behind us. The Will of God never takes you to where the... Grace of God will not protect you. We don't change the message, The message changes us. You can tell how big a person is... By what it takes to discourage him/her.

Airline Joke

It was mealtime during an airline flight.  
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  
'What are my choices?'  John asked.  
'Yes or no,' she replied.

If Men Ruled the World

If Men Ruled the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.(Or to the crooks.) The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle." Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Gold Digger

At a country club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately she began flattering him outrageously. The guy liked the young lady, but was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent pitch. He was amazed when after 30 minutes she seriously proposed marriage. “Look,” he said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.” “You’re wrong,” she smiled. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the back of the bank where you have your account." "I know all I need to know about you."

Blonde Joke - Football Game

Blonde at Football Game
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Every Year

Cruise Ship Sighting

A passenger on a cruise ship spotted a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. He went to the captain and asked, "Who is that?"

The captain answered, "Beats me. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Wrong Order

$64,000 Question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he wanted a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence. The crowd went wild. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation ...

"Bob, here is your question:"

And in what year did it happen?

Freeway to Hawaii

A guy was walking along the beach, found a bottle, and picked it up. A magical genie popped out and said, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a highway from here to Hawaii." The genie replied, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we would need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible. Think of another wish." The guy thought for a moment and said, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women - what makes them laugh and cry, why are they so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick?" The genie thought for a second, then asked, "Do you want that highway with two lanes or four?"

Guillotine Jokes

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:

Hey, I see what your problem is!

Guillotine Thoughts

THE GAMBLER: I QUIT(MOM ALWAYS SAID YOU SHOULD QUIT WHILE YOU ARE A HEAD)

THE LONER: I AINT GOT NO BODY.

THE STOCK BROKER: I GOT A HEADS UP IN THEM STOCKS.

THE ACCOUNTANT: 176 177 178 179 18-----.

THE BASKETBALL PLAYER: SLAM DUNK AT LEAST I SCORED ON MY WAY OUT.

THE PORN STAR:WHEN I SAID I WANTED HEAD THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT.

ANOTHER GAMBLER:HEADS I WIN.

THE ARTHRITIC: OOOOOH THE BACK PAINS GONE.

THE JOCKEY: AWW LOST BY A HEAD.

THE SPIRTUALIST:IS THERE ANY BODY THERE.

THE PSYCIATRIST: NOW IM THE BASKET CASE.

Bad Puns

..There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I'm Dreaming of a Blonde Christmas

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

I LIke Jokes

One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed. He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet. The Vet takes one look at the dog and says, "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead."

"No. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.

The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says, "Meow."

The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."

Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."

The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking, "Woof roof woof!"

The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."

" to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.

"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."


There are two brothers, Sam and David. Sam asks David to to watch his house and cat while he is away on vacation. Sam calls David.

"Hey, how are things? House is still standing? How's my cat doing?"

David swallowed hard, "Well yeah man, your house is still standing. Nice place you have here by the way. Sorry to tell you this but you cat died though."

"What?" Sam said. "You just can't tell someone that their cat is dead. You have to break it down to them gently. The first time I call you should say that the cat is on the roof trying to catch a bird. The second call you should say that the cat lost its footing trying to catch the bird as it flew away, it fell and now it's at the vet. The third call you should be to tell me that the vet says that it's not looking good for the cat. On the fourth call you let me know that my cat died peacefully in its sleep."

David agreed.

"So," Sam continues. "How's Grandma?"

"Well, Grandma's on the roof playing with a bird."

Awesome joke - Red Shirt

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"

Computer Support secret code words

In computer support, a variety of codes can be used when referring to a customer. One of these codes has become fairly well known on the internet: PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) but there are a variety of others that are lesser known. One of these is used when reporting a fault which has been fixed: “The fault was a PICNIC” (problem in chair – not in computer), or “ID 10 T Error” – ID 10 T is, of course, IDIOT. Let us hope that you never see this noted down on your file when a serviceman is fixing your computer.

Thanks Becky for the joke. Explain it to Jessica.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."