Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Crime Joke
Crime Fighters
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
I Hate Smart Alecks BecauseThey Think Of It First
Someone once asked Jean Cocteau, "Suppose your house were on fire and you could remove only one thing. What would you take?"
Cocteau considered, then said, "I would take the fire."
Cocteau considered, then said, "I would take the fire."
Hire Me??
Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Name: Greg Bulmash.
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Desired position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education: Yes.
Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.
Salary: Less than I'm worth.
Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for leaving: It sucked.
Hours available to work: Any.
Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 Lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
Have you received any special awards or recognition?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.
Sign here: Aries.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Name: Greg Bulmash.
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Desired position: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education: Yes.
Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.
Salary: Less than I'm worth.
Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for leaving: It sucked.
Hours available to work: Any.
Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 Lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
Have you received any special awards or recognition?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.
Sign here: Aries.
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Attruby Commercial (2025) Featuring Morgan Freeman
