Sunday, July 27, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
101 One Liners
101 of the World's Funniest One Liners
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is " Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway ." It's sad but true—no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let's see if that's true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart." Ever looked with lust? If you have said "Yes" to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we've only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That's not God's will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: "God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. "Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit"—everlasting life. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
. . . Don't forget to read the editorial!
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is " Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway ." It's sad but true—no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let's see if that's true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart." Ever looked with lust? If you have said "Yes" to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we've only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That's not God's will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: "God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. "Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit"—everlasting life. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic—ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
. . . Don't forget to read the editorial!
100 Great Comedies - How many have you seen?
1. Duck Soup - (1933) (Marx Brothers)
2. Some Like It Hot - (1959) (Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, Marilyn Monroe)
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (1975) (Terry Gilliam, John Cleese, Eric Idle, etc.)
4. Airplane! - (1980) (Robert Hayes, Julie Hagerty)
5. "Dr. Strangelove" - (1964) (Peter Sellers, George C. Scott)
6. Blazing Saddles - (1974) (Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder)
7. What's Up, Doc? - (1972) (Barbra Striesand, Ryan O'Neil)
8. National Lampoon's Animal House - (1978) (John Belushi, Tim Matheson)
9. A Night At The Opera - (1935) (Marx Brothers)
10. The Odd Couple - (1968) (Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau)
11. Annie Hall - (1977) (Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts)
12. The Producers - (1968) (Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder, Dick Shawn)
13. The Gold Rush - (1925) (Charles Chaplin, Mack Swain, Tom Murray)
14. Tootsie - (1982) (Dustin Hoffman, Jessica lange, Bill Murray)
15. Young Frankenstein - (1974) (Gene Wilder, Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle)
16. Bringing Up Baby - (1938) (Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn)
17. Arthur - (1981) (Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli)
18. Bananas - (1971) (Woody Allen, Carlos Montalban)
19. Take The Money And Run - (1969) (Woody Allen, Janet Margolin)
20. Modern Times - (1933) (Charles Chaplin, Paulette Goddard, Henry Bergman)
21. A Shot In The Dark - (1964) (Peter Sellers, Elke Sommer)
22. No Time For Sergeants - (1958) (Andy Griffith, Mervyn LeRoy)
23. Adam's Rib - (1949) (Spencer Tracy, Katharine Hepburn)
24. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - (1963) (Milton Berle, Jonathan Winters)
25. M*A*S*H - (1970) (Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Sally Kellerman)
26. Lost In America - (1985) (Albert Brooks, Julie Hagerty, Sylvia Farrel)
27. National Lampoon's Vacation - (1983) (Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo)
28. The Pink Panther - (1964) (Peter Sellers, David Niven, Robert Wagner)
29. A Day At The Races - (1937) (Marx Brothers)
30. Caddyshack - (1980) (Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight)
31. The Court Jester - (1956) (Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone, Angela Lansbury)
32. Sullivan's Travels - (1941) (Joel McCrea, Veronica Lake)
33. Road To Morocco - (1942) (Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Dorothy Lamour)
34. This Is Spinal Tap - (1984) (Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer)
35. Ghost Busters - (1984) (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver)
36. Groundhog Day - (1993) (Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell, Chris Elliott)
37. The Birdcage - (1996) (Robin Williams, Nathan Lane)
38. Borat - (2006) (Sacha Baron Cohen, Ken Davitian)
39. Ferris Bueller's Day Off - (1986) (Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara)
40. His Girl Friday - (1940) (Cary Grant, Rosalind Russell)
41. The Naked Gun - (1988) (Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley)
42. Sleeper - (1973) (Woody Allen, Diane Keaton)
43. Spaceballs - (1987) (Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, John Candy)
44. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery - (1997) (Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley)
45. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - (1994) (Jim Carrey, Sean Young)
46. Born Yesterday - (1950) (Judy Holliday, Broderick Crawford, William Holden)
47. History of the World: Part 1 - (1981) (Mel Brooks, Madeline Kahn, Gregory Hines)
48. The Great Dictator - (1940) (Charles Chaplin, Paulette Goddard, Jack Oakie)
49. The Front Page - (1974) (Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau)
50. Top Secret - (1984) (Val Kilmer, Lucy Gutteridge, Omar Sharif)
51. Home Alone - (1990) (Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern)
52. Meet the Parents - (2000) (Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller)
53. To Be or Not to Be - (1942) (Carole Lombard, Jack Benny, Robert Stack)
54. The Inspector General - (1949) (Danny Kaye, Alan Hale, Walter Slezak)
55. The Jerk - (1979) (Steve Martin, Bernadette Peters)
56. The Big Lebowski - (1998) (Jeff Bridges, John Goodman)
57. Fast Times At Ridgemont High - (1982) (Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh)
58. The Mouse That Roared - (1959) (Peter Sellers, Jean Seberg)
59. There's Something About Mary - (1998) (Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon)
60. City Slickers - (1991) (Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern)
61. The Nutty Professor - (1963) (Jerry Lewis, Stella Stevens)
62. My Cousin Vinny - (1992) (Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, Fred Gwynne)
63. Little Miss Sunshine - (2006) (Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin, Steve Carell)
64. Silver Streak - (1976) (Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor, Jill Clayburgh)
65. Mrs. Doubtfire - (1993) (Robin Williams, Sally Field, Pierce Brosnan)
66. Scary Movie - (2000) (Keenen Ivory Wayans, Anna Faris, Shawn Wayans)
67. Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure -(1989) (Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter)
68. Stir Crazy - (1981) (Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder)
69. Arsenic and Old Lace - (1944) (Cary Grant, Josephine Hull, Peter Lorre)
70. Beverly Hills Cop - (1984) (Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold)
71. Private Benjamin - (1980) (Goldie Hawn, Eileen Brennan)
72. Harvey - (1950) (James Stewart, Josephine Hull)
73. Way Out West - (1937) (Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy)
74. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - (1989) (Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid)
75. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex... - (1972) (Woody Allen)
76. Monty Python's Life Of Brian - (1979) (John Cleese, Eric Idle)
77. Meatballs - (1979) (Bill Murray, Harvey Atkin, Kate Lynch)
78. Good Neighbor Sam - (1964) (Jack Lemmon, Romy Schneider, Dorothy Provine)
79. Cat Ballou - (1965) (Jane Fonda, Lee Marvin, Dwayne Hickman)
80. Rush Hour - (1998) (Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker)
81. Up In Smoke - (1978) (Cheech & Chong)
82. A Fish Called Wanda - (1988) (John Cleese, Kevin Kline, Jamie Lee Curtis)
83. The 40 Year Old Virgin - (2005) (Steve Carell, Catherine Keener)
84. The Bank Dick - (1940) (W.C. Fields, Shemp Howard)
85. Ruthless People - (1986) (Bette Midler, Danny DeVito)
86. The Money Pit - (1986) (Tom Hanks, Shelley Long)
87. Babes in Toyland - (1934) (Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy)
88. Tommy Boy - (1995) (Chris Farley, David Spade)
89. Dumb and Dumber - (1994) (Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels)
90. Multiplicity - (1996) (Michael Keaton, Andie MacDowell, Eugene Levy)
91. Monty Python's Meaning Of Life - (1983) (John Cleese, Eric Idle)
92. The Egg and I - (1947) (Claudette Colbert, Fred MacMurray, Percy Kilbride)
93. Hot Shots - (1991) (Charlie Sheen, Cary Elwes, Lloyd Bridges)
94. The Family Jewels - (1965) (Jerry Lewis, Sebastian Cabot)
95. Robin Hood: Men In Tights - (1993) (Cary Elwes, Dave Chapelle, Richard Lewis)
96. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - (1988) (Steve Martin, Michael Caine)
97. Wayne's World - (1992) (Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Rob Lowe)
98. Three Amigos! - (1986) (Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short)
99. Sister Act - (1992) (Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Najimy)
100. Operation Petticoat - (1959) (Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, Gavin MacLeod)
2. Some Like It Hot - (1959) (Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, Marilyn Monroe)
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (1975) (Terry Gilliam, John Cleese, Eric Idle, etc.)
4. Airplane! - (1980) (Robert Hayes, Julie Hagerty)
5. "Dr. Strangelove" - (1964) (Peter Sellers, George C. Scott)
6. Blazing Saddles - (1974) (Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder)
7. What's Up, Doc? - (1972) (Barbra Striesand, Ryan O'Neil)
8. National Lampoon's Animal House - (1978) (John Belushi, Tim Matheson)
9. A Night At The Opera - (1935) (Marx Brothers)
10. The Odd Couple - (1968) (Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau)
11. Annie Hall - (1977) (Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts)
12. The Producers - (1968) (Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder, Dick Shawn)
13. The Gold Rush - (1925) (Charles Chaplin, Mack Swain, Tom Murray)
14. Tootsie - (1982) (Dustin Hoffman, Jessica lange, Bill Murray)
15. Young Frankenstein - (1974) (Gene Wilder, Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle)
16. Bringing Up Baby - (1938) (Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn)
17. Arthur - (1981) (Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli)
18. Bananas - (1971) (Woody Allen, Carlos Montalban)
19. Take The Money And Run - (1969) (Woody Allen, Janet Margolin)
20. Modern Times - (1933) (Charles Chaplin, Paulette Goddard, Henry Bergman)
21. A Shot In The Dark - (1964) (Peter Sellers, Elke Sommer)
22. No Time For Sergeants - (1958) (Andy Griffith, Mervyn LeRoy)
23. Adam's Rib - (1949) (Spencer Tracy, Katharine Hepburn)
24. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - (1963) (Milton Berle, Jonathan Winters)
25. M*A*S*H - (1970) (Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Sally Kellerman)
26. Lost In America - (1985) (Albert Brooks, Julie Hagerty, Sylvia Farrel)
27. National Lampoon's Vacation - (1983) (Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo)
28. The Pink Panther - (1964) (Peter Sellers, David Niven, Robert Wagner)
29. A Day At The Races - (1937) (Marx Brothers)
30. Caddyshack - (1980) (Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight)
31. The Court Jester - (1956) (Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone, Angela Lansbury)
32. Sullivan's Travels - (1941) (Joel McCrea, Veronica Lake)
33. Road To Morocco - (1942) (Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Dorothy Lamour)
34. This Is Spinal Tap - (1984) (Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer)
35. Ghost Busters - (1984) (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver)
36. Groundhog Day - (1993) (Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell, Chris Elliott)
37. The Birdcage - (1996) (Robin Williams, Nathan Lane)
38. Borat - (2006) (Sacha Baron Cohen, Ken Davitian)
39. Ferris Bueller's Day Off - (1986) (Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara)
40. His Girl Friday - (1940) (Cary Grant, Rosalind Russell)
41. The Naked Gun - (1988) (Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley)
42. Sleeper - (1973) (Woody Allen, Diane Keaton)
43. Spaceballs - (1987) (Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, John Candy)
44. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery - (1997) (Mike Myers, Elizabeth Hurley)
45. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - (1994) (Jim Carrey, Sean Young)
46. Born Yesterday - (1950) (Judy Holliday, Broderick Crawford, William Holden)
47. History of the World: Part 1 - (1981) (Mel Brooks, Madeline Kahn, Gregory Hines)
48. The Great Dictator - (1940) (Charles Chaplin, Paulette Goddard, Jack Oakie)
49. The Front Page - (1974) (Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau)
50. Top Secret - (1984) (Val Kilmer, Lucy Gutteridge, Omar Sharif)
51. Home Alone - (1990) (Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern)
52. Meet the Parents - (2000) (Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller)
53. To Be or Not to Be - (1942) (Carole Lombard, Jack Benny, Robert Stack)
54. The Inspector General - (1949) (Danny Kaye, Alan Hale, Walter Slezak)
55. The Jerk - (1979) (Steve Martin, Bernadette Peters)
56. The Big Lebowski - (1998) (Jeff Bridges, John Goodman)
57. Fast Times At Ridgemont High - (1982) (Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh)
58. The Mouse That Roared - (1959) (Peter Sellers, Jean Seberg)
59. There's Something About Mary - (1998) (Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon)
60. City Slickers - (1991) (Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern)
61. The Nutty Professor - (1963) (Jerry Lewis, Stella Stevens)
62. My Cousin Vinny - (1992) (Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, Fred Gwynne)
63. Little Miss Sunshine - (2006) (Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin, Steve Carell)
64. Silver Streak - (1976) (Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor, Jill Clayburgh)
65. Mrs. Doubtfire - (1993) (Robin Williams, Sally Field, Pierce Brosnan)
66. Scary Movie - (2000) (Keenen Ivory Wayans, Anna Faris, Shawn Wayans)
67. Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure -(1989) (Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter)
68. Stir Crazy - (1981) (Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder)
69. Arsenic and Old Lace - (1944) (Cary Grant, Josephine Hull, Peter Lorre)
70. Beverly Hills Cop - (1984) (Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold)
71. Private Benjamin - (1980) (Goldie Hawn, Eileen Brennan)
72. Harvey - (1950) (James Stewart, Josephine Hull)
73. Way Out West - (1937) (Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy)
74. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - (1989) (Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid)
75. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex... - (1972) (Woody Allen)
76. Monty Python's Life Of Brian - (1979) (John Cleese, Eric Idle)
77. Meatballs - (1979) (Bill Murray, Harvey Atkin, Kate Lynch)
78. Good Neighbor Sam - (1964) (Jack Lemmon, Romy Schneider, Dorothy Provine)
79. Cat Ballou - (1965) (Jane Fonda, Lee Marvin, Dwayne Hickman)
80. Rush Hour - (1998) (Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker)
81. Up In Smoke - (1978) (Cheech & Chong)
82. A Fish Called Wanda - (1988) (John Cleese, Kevin Kline, Jamie Lee Curtis)
83. The 40 Year Old Virgin - (2005) (Steve Carell, Catherine Keener)
84. The Bank Dick - (1940) (W.C. Fields, Shemp Howard)
85. Ruthless People - (1986) (Bette Midler, Danny DeVito)
86. The Money Pit - (1986) (Tom Hanks, Shelley Long)
87. Babes in Toyland - (1934) (Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy)
88. Tommy Boy - (1995) (Chris Farley, David Spade)
89. Dumb and Dumber - (1994) (Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels)
90. Multiplicity - (1996) (Michael Keaton, Andie MacDowell, Eugene Levy)
91. Monty Python's Meaning Of Life - (1983) (John Cleese, Eric Idle)
92. The Egg and I - (1947) (Claudette Colbert, Fred MacMurray, Percy Kilbride)
93. Hot Shots - (1991) (Charlie Sheen, Cary Elwes, Lloyd Bridges)
94. The Family Jewels - (1965) (Jerry Lewis, Sebastian Cabot)
95. Robin Hood: Men In Tights - (1993) (Cary Elwes, Dave Chapelle, Richard Lewis)
96. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - (1988) (Steve Martin, Michael Caine)
97. Wayne's World - (1992) (Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Rob Lowe)
98. Three Amigos! - (1986) (Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short)
99. Sister Act - (1992) (Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Najimy)
100. Operation Petticoat - (1959) (Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, Gavin MacLeod)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Axioms
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Irish Prostitute
Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Psychologists Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Chinese Proverb Quotes
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Teachers open the door but you must walk through it yourself.
Teachers open the door but you must walk through it yourself.
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